I am back at my computer after an eight week hiatus of insanity, joy, revelation and uncertainty while my partner Brian and I picked up and moved cross country, traveling 5300 miles in three weeks from the north coast of California to Washington state where we visited both family and Josiah’s grave and then back down to California, even further, all the way to Los Angeles before banking a hard left and heading east through the lower United States, finally landing on the Gulf Coast of Mississippi. There is so much I could share with you about that journey, the why, the how and everything in between. However, what I’m really wanting is to reconnect with all of you.

To those who have been here for some time, I’ve missed you! And to those of you who are new, Thank you for hopping aboard. Your presence here, each and every one of you, is needed. We are much stronger together than we are alone and united, we can ride the waves of what it means to be alive–to lose, to hurt, to seek what fills us up and find ourselves once again.

This morning, I came across something I wrote on Facebook exactly four years ago. It amazes me that so much time has passed. There is a part of me that would go back to this utter despair in a heartbeat just to be closer to the time when Josiah was still alive. While on my trip through 10 of our 50 states, we also passed through what would have been Josiah’s 30th birthday and soon March 17th will mark five whole years since I kissed his 25 year old soft cheek, giving him a hug for what turned out to be the last time. Milestones like these carry their own special grief.

The piece below was written nine months after Josiah was murdered, however five months before his remains were finally found. I look forward to sharing this part of the story and many more in Remember the Birds, the book.

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March 6th, 2020
Josiah’s life and now, his death have been a wild ride.
I come up. I go down.
I remember. I forget.
I get deeply seated in my faith and spiritual growth.
I find deep acceptance and understanding.
And then, the tidal waves of grief take over my life, my mind and my heart.
I get washed under, pulled back and I once again struggle to come up for air.
I absolutely believe in my right to hurt, heal, grieve, laugh, love and cry.
I believe in my psyche’s right to get lost in its suffering.
I believe it is all part of my growth.
I also believe in my soul’s right to experience and express happiness.
I do not know how long it will take before I reclaim my seat in deep contentment and fulfillment.
I have no opinion about how quickly this should happen, but my ultimate goal in this life is to grow.
I believe that is why I am here.
It is why Josiah came to me and why he left.
I believe we made this decision long before either of us came earthside.
I cannot wait to see him again and to thank him for the gift he continues to be in my life.
Hearts love.
Hearts break.
Hearts accept.
Hearts heal.
Mine is no different.
It just needs time.

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It’s interesting to me to read this now, four years after writing it and bear witness to where I was then, deeply rooted in faith as it was the only thing solid I had to stand on. I can’t tell you now what I still believe or whether I agree with the idea of a “soul contract”, but I can tell you I have found that in order for faith to be impervious, it needs to present a reality we can live outside of the horrors which merely being alive on this planet is sure to deal to us. The day I wrote it, I was in the middle of Michael Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul, which most likely inspired me as I posted the above with the following passage below:

I also find it notable that I speak of the “not knowing” about when or how my life would ever be enjoyable again and here I am four years later living a life of contentment and fulfillment which I then prayed I would someday have. Over the past two months, some have asked if I was scared to pick up and move so quickly after being in Northern California for so long and I could only answer that I was scared just enough to prove I was indeed sane. However, after what I have been through, the worst of my life is behind me. Nearly two years ago, when I addressed the Federal Court, my statement rang a similar sentiment:

The position I find myself in now, how to continue on in life without being swallowed up by the despair of losing my son to a brutal and senseless murder, is the greatest challenge I will ever face in my life. In knowing that, there is some freedom. I feel confident that the worst thing that will ever happen to me already has. There is no reason to be afraid anymore.

– Liz Hilderbrand, Victims Impact Statement

It’s important to continue to make it clear that although the assailants are known, no charges have been made against them. In fact, at the federal level where the case was investigated, federal prosecutors offered immunity against charges for Josiah’s murder in exchange for a guilty plea in the crimes committed hours later in White Swan, WA. One of the two men accepted. So, although Josiah’s murderers are behind bars, they are not serving time for what happened to him nor have I been afforded the opportunity to hear the FBI’s investigation laid out in a court of law, meaning that there are aspects of his case that are still unknown to me. At times, this travesty of justice torments me, keeping me awake at night. I continue to advocate for Josiah at the local level as his case has been handed to Yakima County District Attorney Joe Brusic who has given me the run around for the past twelve months telling me at times that they are looking into his case and at others, like during our meeting last July, that his office didn’t have the resources and I needed to go home and pray about it. Your continuing to stay engaged in this story is imperative to us one day finding justice.

Until then, my promise is to keep working on the book! My goal this year is to secure a literary agent. It will take a lot of work and is no small feat, but I am up for the task.

Thank you, once again.
Liz, Josiah’s Mom

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