I wrote this piece eight months after my son's murder, when his remains were still missing. My life at that time consisted of searching endlessly for him. However, enough time had passed that I was starting to get pressure from some to rejoin the world, to be more positive, to improve my outlook. I felt … Continue reading Even When We Seem Unacceptable
traumatic loss
The Hermit Thrush’s Same Old Song
Originally written April 24, 2020 The hermit thrushes are back. There is little I enjoy more than these sweet little birds singing their ethereal songs, delivering messages from the heavens above. I imagine Josiah floats on their melodies, through the woods, the trees and their leaves. Perhaps he doesn’t just cling to my heart or to … Continue reading The Hermit Thrush’s Same Old Song
Sometimes Silence is Overrated
Originally written November 23, 2021 Early morning pitch black conversation: “I miss him so much.” “I know baby. I can only imagine.” I miss the noise his presence brought to my life. The chaos of his unconventional living. The "Mom’s?" that seemed to crescendo at the end with an inflection that proved he still needed … Continue reading Sometimes Silence is Overrated
When I Keep My Grieving Small
Originally written February 25, 2020 I seem to do okay when I keep my grieving small. I do not mean minimized or sidelined or not thought about. I mean when I keep my feelings to bite sized chunks with words like, “I miss him." “I miss his laugh." “I wish I could see him today." … Continue reading When I Keep My Grieving Small
My Heart Hurts Today
Originally written July 30, 2019 My heart hurts today. More than yesterday or the day before. I seem to slip in and out of the depths of my grief. I can only assume that is what the psyche does to preserve itself. To keep our hearts beating and lungs inhaling and exhaling. To keep us … Continue reading My Heart Hurts Today
No Point to Return to
Originally written July 26, 2020 I’ve really been struggling this past week. At the same time, I could tell you that it has been a good week. One that in many ways feels like the life I used to live. It is summertime and summer is so insanely demanding when I live it right. Working … Continue reading No Point to Return to
Preface ~ From the Top.
Preface/Chapter 1 ~ From the Top Josiah Michael Hilderbrand was born on a snowy February morning in 1994. At the time, we were living in an off grid trailer in the mountains east of Arcata, California. There was a lot left to be desired about the trailer, but considering where we had come from, I … Continue reading Preface ~ From the Top.
Remember the Birds 