This is a personal account of my own truth according to my memory, perspective and experiences. On Friday, June 7, 2019, my son, Josiah Hilderbrand, was murdered during a carjacking on the side of Highway 97, about thirteen miles south of Toppenish, Washington. Josiah and the driver of the vehicle, Jon Cleary, had stopped to … Continue reading He Mattered
help bring Josiah home
Victims Impact Statement – Josiah Michael Hilderbrand
In August 2020, just two weeks after my son Josiah’s remains were found, my sister and I travelled to Yakima and were taken by the FBI to where he had lain for 14 months. I covered the area with flowers from home and left a rock from the Eel River that I hand painted as … Continue reading Victims Impact Statement – Josiah Michael Hilderbrand
Back In My Grief, Out of Regret
Originally written April 28, 2020 Another day of heavy grief. I had counseling today. Hard feelings, old memories, trauma and more trauma. Trauma that led to trauma that touched old trauma. Old trauma that laid the groundwork for new trauma. Domestic violence, rape. All of the icky parts of life that many of us experience, … Continue reading Back In My Grief, Out of Regret
In the Middle of Grief Somewhere
Originally written September 14, 2019 There is a little girl inside of me, In the depths of the silence of absence. In the far reaches of my soul. Who screams out between the sobbing and gasps for air, “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!” Only I do. I understand how it feels that no one else understands. And … Continue reading In the Middle of Grief Somewhere
Even When We Seem Unacceptable
I wrote this piece eight months after my son's murder, when his remains were still missing. My life at that time consisted of searching endlessly for him. However, enough time had passed that I was starting to get pressure from some to rejoin the world, to be more positive, to improve my outlook. I felt … Continue reading Even When We Seem Unacceptable
The Hermit Thrush’s Same Old Song
Originally written April 24, 2020 The hermit thrushes are back. There is little I enjoy more than these sweet little birds singing their ethereal songs, delivering messages from the heavens above. I imagine Josiah floats on their melodies, through the woods, the trees and their leaves. Perhaps he doesn’t just cling to my heart or to … Continue reading The Hermit Thrush’s Same Old Song
When I Keep My Grieving Small
Originally written February 25, 2020 I seem to do okay when I keep my grieving small. I do not mean minimized or sidelined or not thought about. I mean when I keep my feelings to bite sized chunks with words like, “I miss him." “I miss his laugh." “I wish I could see him today." … Continue reading When I Keep My Grieving Small
Preface ~ From the Top.
Preface/Chapter 1 ~ From the Top Josiah Michael Hilderbrand was born on a snowy February morning in 1994. At the time, we were living in an off grid trailer in the mountains east of Arcata, California. There was a lot left to be desired about the trailer, but considering where we had come from, I … Continue reading Preface ~ From the Top.
She’s Back
She's Back My goodness... It's been five years since I abandoned this blog to the farthest corners of my doubtful mind. It's easy to tuck dreams and ideas away when you just aren't feeling good enough to achieve them. I started this blog at the urging of my sister, Kathryn. She thought that between the … Continue reading She’s Back
Remember the Birds 