Josiah in the White Mountains of Maine on an Outward Bound Trip, 2009, ten years before he was killed. I came across a Facebook post the other day from early 2020, just 6 months after Josiah was murdered and while his body was still missing. In it, I said something to the effect of, "You … Continue reading 100 Different Answers
grief
Four Corners
Originally written July 18, 2020 I had to be reminded by my therapist yesterday that my son died from a senseless, violent crime. As in, what I was telling her negated that very loud, inarguable fact. I had conveniently slipped into regret and shame -- reworking my way through my past, his past, our lives … Continue reading Four Corners
What I Didn’t Write to Close Out the Year
Here we are, just four days into the New Year and I am already looking back on last year, or was it just last week? It was Friday, the 30th, just one day away from the last day of the year, yet another whole year without my son and the last year that my mother … Continue reading What I Didn’t Write to Close Out the Year
Hello to my Subscribers… As I say Goodbye to 2022
Well, as much as I don’t believe in resolutions, I do think today calls for reflection and gratitude. It’s hard to believe how much has transpired, as this past year seemed to whip by. This time last year, I had a blog that I hadn’t posted to in a solid 5 years, my mom was … Continue reading Hello to my Subscribers… As I say Goodbye to 2022
Serendipity
It’s December again, the time to come together with people we care about and inevitably, be reminded of those we have lost. I am learning to somehow make it through the holidays, only sometimes I am doing it on my knees. I made plans early in the year to attend my dad and stepmom’s annual … Continue reading Serendipity
He Mattered
This is a personal account of my own truth according to my memory, perspective and experiences. On Friday, June 7, 2019, my son, Josiah Hilderbrand, was murdered during a carjacking on the side of Highway 97, about thirteen miles south of Toppenish, Washington. Josiah and the driver of the vehicle, Jon Cleary, had stopped to … Continue reading He Mattered
Victims Impact Statement – Josiah Michael Hilderbrand
In August 2020, just two weeks after my son Josiah’s remains were found, my sister and I travelled to Yakima and were taken by the FBI to where he had lain for 14 months. I covered the area with flowers from home and left a rock from the Eel River that I hand painted as … Continue reading Victims Impact Statement – Josiah Michael Hilderbrand
Precious and Fleeting
Originally written October 9, 2020 The bits of joy in my life are so present and yet the heartbreak is so intense, so overwhelming. It is impossible for grief like this to not change me, to not rip me from beneath the layers of who I once thought I was. Nothing seems trivial anymore. It’s … Continue reading Precious and Fleeting
Living My Amends
Originally written December 15, 2019 So many intense emotions today. So many that are all over the place... Being human is a difficult thing and being a parent, I believe, even more so. I think it is natural for us to hold ourselves to a high bar. For us to want better for our children. … Continue reading Living My Amends
Back In My Grief, Out of Regret
Originally written April 28, 2020 Another day of heavy grief. I had counseling today. Hard feelings, old memories, trauma and more trauma. Trauma that led to trauma that touched old trauma. Old trauma that laid the groundwork for new trauma. Domestic violence, rape. All of the icky parts of life that many of us experience, … Continue reading Back In My Grief, Out of Regret
Remember the Birds 