In August 2020, just two weeks after my son Josiah’s remains were found, my sister and I travelled to Yakima and were taken by the FBI to where he had lain for 14 months. I covered the area with flowers from home and left a rock from the Eel River that I hand painted as … Continue reading Victims Impact Statement – Josiah Michael Hilderbrand
When Grief Speaks
Precious and Fleeting
Originally written October 9, 2020 The bits of joy in my life are so present and yet the heartbreak is so intense, so overwhelming. It is impossible for grief like this to not change me, to not rip me from beneath the layers of who I once thought I was. Nothing seems trivial anymore. It’s … Continue reading Precious and Fleeting
Living My Amends
Originally written December 15, 2019 So many intense emotions today. So many that are all over the place... Being human is a difficult thing and being a parent, I believe, even more so. I think it is natural for us to hold ourselves to a high bar. For us to want better for our children. … Continue reading Living My Amends
Back In My Grief, Out of Regret
Originally written April 28, 2020 Another day of heavy grief. I had counseling today. Hard feelings, old memories, trauma and more trauma. Trauma that led to trauma that touched old trauma. Old trauma that laid the groundwork for new trauma. Domestic violence, rape. All of the icky parts of life that many of us experience, … Continue reading Back In My Grief, Out of Regret
In the Middle of Grief Somewhere
Originally written September 14, 2019 There is a little girl inside of me, In the depths of the silence of absence. In the far reaches of my soul. Who screams out between the sobbing and gasps for air, “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!” Only I do. I understand how it feels that no one else understands. And … Continue reading In the Middle of Grief Somewhere
The Tears We Shed Are The Same
Originally written August 30, 2020 Many people have said to me that their pain does not compare to mine. Or that when they feel like they are having a hard time, they think of me and it puts things in perspective. If my suffering and the challenges I face can bring you a glimmer of … Continue reading The Tears We Shed Are The Same
Even When We Seem Unacceptable
I wrote this piece eight months after my son's murder, when his remains were still missing. My life at that time consisted of searching endlessly for him. However, enough time had passed that I was starting to get pressure from some to rejoin the world, to be more positive, to improve my outlook. I felt … Continue reading Even When We Seem Unacceptable
The Hermit Thrush’s Same Old Song
Originally written April 24, 2020 The hermit thrushes are back. There is little I enjoy more than these sweet little birds singing their ethereal songs, delivering messages from the heavens above. I imagine Josiah floats on their melodies, through the woods, the trees and their leaves. Perhaps he doesn’t just cling to my heart or to … Continue reading The Hermit Thrush’s Same Old Song
Sometimes Silence is Overrated
Originally written November 23, 2021 Early morning pitch black conversation: “I miss him so much.” “I know baby. I can only imagine.” I miss the noise his presence brought to my life. The chaos of his unconventional living. The "Mom’s?" that seemed to crescendo at the end with an inflection that proved he still needed … Continue reading Sometimes Silence is Overrated
When I Keep My Grieving Small
Originally written February 25, 2020 I seem to do okay when I keep my grieving small. I do not mean minimized or sidelined or not thought about. I mean when I keep my feelings to bite sized chunks with words like, “I miss him." “I miss his laugh." “I wish I could see him today." … Continue reading When I Keep My Grieving Small
Remember the Birds 